Sep. 22nd, 2004 02:09 pm
Life Rules
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vin_petrolWhen I met ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
miss_dark last year, I became aware that she had several "rules". I realised that I also had several life rules, although they weren't necessarily as clearly thought out as hers. So, over time I've been clarifying those rules and working them all out in my head. For your perusal, here they are. I didn't invent them all, some I've appropriated from elsewhere. Some are entirely personal, and may not work for you at all.
* Never get in a plane or car with a rock star or a Kennedy.
* When unsure of the strength of the coffee and the capabilities of the machine, err to the side of 'weak', or accept the possibility that you're not going to sleep any time soon.
* When unsure of the terrain for mortal combat, bare feet are best.
* Sharp implements of any kind are never allowed near my genitals - a limited exception is made for teeth in the mouth of another human.
* When taking a new drug for the first time, take half the dose the experienced person is taking.
* When trains are infrequent, always get on the first train traveling in your direction. That express train due along in half an hour may well not show up.
* When traveling, take toilet breaks whenever you can, even if you think you don't need to. Things can go horribly wrong.
* Other people can easily build their own PCs and it goes really well for them. In this universe, it always goes horribly wrong for me. Don't ever try it for a primary machine.
* Never get into a relationship with someone unwilling to share a plate of chips with you.
* Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
* People with septic body piercings who spurt pus over the bedclothes are not welcome to stay in the beds at my house.
Clearly, some of them have turned out to be guidelines rather than rules :-)
So, what "Life Rules" do you have?
miss_dark last year, I became aware that she had several "rules". I realised that I also had several life rules, although they weren't necessarily as clearly thought out as hers. So, over time I've been clarifying those rules and working them all out in my head. For your perusal, here they are. I didn't invent them all, some I've appropriated from elsewhere. Some are entirely personal, and may not work for you at all.* Never get in a plane or car with a rock star or a Kennedy.
* When unsure of the strength of the coffee and the capabilities of the machine, err to the side of 'weak', or accept the possibility that you're not going to sleep any time soon.
* When unsure of the terrain for mortal combat, bare feet are best.
* Sharp implements of any kind are never allowed near my genitals - a limited exception is made for teeth in the mouth of another human.
* When taking a new drug for the first time, take half the dose the experienced person is taking.
* When trains are infrequent, always get on the first train traveling in your direction. That express train due along in half an hour may well not show up.
* When traveling, take toilet breaks whenever you can, even if you think you don't need to. Things can go horribly wrong.
* Other people can easily build their own PCs and it goes really well for them. In this universe, it always goes horribly wrong for me. Don't ever try it for a primary machine.
* Never get into a relationship with someone unwilling to share a plate of chips with you.
* Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
* People with septic body piercings who spurt pus over the bedclothes are not welcome to stay in the beds at my house.
Clearly, some of them have turned out to be guidelines rather than rules :-)
So, what "Life Rules" do you have?
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People with septic body piercings who spurt pus over the bedclothes are not welcome to stay in the beds at my house
Who!!! Who was it!!!! *grin*
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I can't possibly say...
I'll tell you next week
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I always had 3 house rules in heslington
Rule 1: No potatoes
Rule 2: Dont move the yellow pages from the middle of the floor
Rule 3: Milk goes in the firdge on the hinge side
Vin used to find rule 2 particylarly funny for some reason.
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...
Vin used to find rule 2 particylarly funny for some reason.
I'm laughing thinking about it now!
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Boyfriend Rules are as follows:
No football (F word) will ever be mentioned unless you want to appear highly unattractive in my eyes.
Do not touch my wrists.
If I am dressing/undressing always leave to room, or if that is not possible, look the other way.
Do not tell me I am fat unless you want me to cry (this includes wailing) for at least a whole day.
If you ever catch me without make up on (highly highly unlikely) no matter how rough I look you are not too gasp.. and if possible are to make a positive comment.
When sharing food I am to have the biggest half. *grin*
If you buy me flowers I will finish with you.
.............there are probably many more.. I like rules *beam*
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RJ
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Err. oh.
Umm..
Presumably once the undressing has finished, the significant other can turn round and stare at the goodies (..and no I am not referring to Bill Oddie and his loony chums..)
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Never eat at a cafe with the word mom in the title
Never buy anything off anywhere which has the word honest in the title.
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Fantastic! I think I shall add that to my list - thank you.
Never eat at a cafe with the word mom in the title
Is there a bad experience here you want to tell us about?
Never buy anything off anywhere which has the word honest in the title.
Ooh, when I were a lad in Ashby there was a shop there called "Honest John's". Obviously, the most crooked shop in town, full of *cough* 'second hand' goods.
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Glad you like the yellow snow one the half of that is never to drink yellow liquid. :)
You also proved my point eloquently on the honest one. :D
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*Poor personal hygiene
*Being younger than me
*Having blue eyes
*Being married, polyamourous or otherwise attached
*Living further than an hour's drive away
*Actively refusing evenings in the pub to make plaster models of their own teeth
*Being from Merseyside
*Being related to IRA prisoners
*Having a Brummie accent
*Having Lancastrian sympathies
2. If at first you don't succeed, cheat.
3. When faced with difficult choices, always do what Wesley says. It might not be the right decision but it will at least stop him from saying "I told you so" when it all goes wrong.
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...
*Living further than an hour's drive away
So where does Alan Rickman live then? Would you make an exception for him :-)
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Perhaps this should have an addition of - if unsure of coffee, test a small amount in water to see if it is instant or ground....
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*ahem* yes, good point...
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ha ha! *wipes eyes*
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I do stupid things so you don't have to! :-)
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Instant in the filter - a dessert spoon of instant per cup. I didn't realise till later, after drinking what seemed an extremely strong cup of coffee, when there was nothing in the filter I was washing. Eek!
I didn't go to sleep till gone 0400 that night. Still,
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Didnt find out until my dad went to empty the grounds and
there wern't any. We were all buzzing that day!
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It's very kind of you to offer this public service, but rest assured that I do *plenty* of stupid things myself - such as using collapsing chairs as 'ladders' when trying to change a light bulb and ending up flat on my back in the hallway. Graeme insisted on me buying a proper step ladder after that particular incident...
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* Never get in a plane or car with a rock star or a Kennedy.
Never get into a car where the driver is someone who took their driving test before roundabouts were invented
* When unsure of the terrain for mortal combat, bare feet are best.
always wear sandals at outdoor festivals, whatever the weather
* People with septic body piercings who spurt pus over the bedclothes are not welcome to stay in the beds at my house.
People who DO body piercings are not welcome to share a whitby cottage which is booked in my name
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is true - no matterw hat thw weather it may
get mudy, there may be broken glass, you may get stomped
on in the moshpit, yoiu may need to hammer tentpegs with
your feet and you may find you need to wade into
half a fot of shit in order to relive yourslef in what
passes for a festival toilet.
Sandals are Very No under those circumstances.
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TBH the moshpit feet-stomp is what puts meb off
sandles the most though.
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I don't have any but try to live my live by the universal truth of; Be excellent to each other
RJ
A semi-professional floutist.
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The odd one or two, I've heard...
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- funny coloured drinks are not good for you.
- tip 10% for OK service in Britain, 15% in the USA.
- Mates, not Durex. (it's a girth thang).
- Never, ever turn down the chance of a cup of tea. You don't know where/when the next one will be.
- Never leave home without your Leatherman.
- Avoid local radio and TV unless it's broadcasting flood warnings
- A pint of water before bed. Two if you've been on the pop.
- Except in absolutely dire tortoise's head situations, never crap in an unknown lavatory.
- Never make an important decision before your second mug of tea of the day.
- Time is money. Waste neither.
- A pub without handpumps is a pub without soul.
- You can tell when a salesman is lying. His lips move.
- There is another way out of Manchester but it's hidden.
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Oh, subtle :-P
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I complete misread this as "it's a girl thang" and thought "do girls really prefer it if a man's wearing a Mates? I shall have to investigate!" :-)
- Never leave home without your Leatherman.
Ah yes, my equivalent would be my Swiss Army Knife.
- A pint of water before bed. Two if you've been on the pop.
Ooh no, I'll be up in the night if I do that. I don't use ethanol, so I don't need to worry about the latter.
- Except in absolutely dire tortoise's head situations, never crap in an unknown lavatory.
I *used* to be like that. I really didn't like using unknown toilets. I have no problems with it now, but I always check the cubicle for all required items first.
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1. Leave the toilet as clean as you found it. I couldn't care less whether the seat's left up or down, but I care passionately (and - be warned - vocally) about piss on the seat, rim or floor. Gentlemen, I appreciate it's harder to piss standing up than sitting down; but everyone, whether convex or concave, can use toilet roll. Rant over.
2. Wash your hands after going to the toilet in my house, or you'll be invited to leave immediately. I mean it.
3. The first two times you come to my house, you're a guest. After that, you can make your own damn tea and tidy up after yourself too.
4. That chocolate in the fridge is mine.
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Yeh - my parents had a similar rule at our house when I was a sprog, only you were only a guest their ONCE. We actually used to get a lot of vistors dropping in all the time, and it was completely reasonable.
4. That chocolate in the fridge is mine.
Phew! There's a Rule I wouldn't mess with. Come not between a woman and her chocolate!
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* Planes are impossible, so avoid them. Helicopters equate to suicide.
* All Shops are shit. All fast food outlets are worse.
* Cubicles not Urinals, unless you like being piss sprayed.
* Cold callers, radio DJs and politicians all talk crap.
* Hell looks exactly like B&Q lighting department.
* Do not stare at large ugly blokes, they really hate it.
* You'll never be louder than the drummer.