Vincent's Condom Story #1

[vin_petrol]

Having read and enjoyed steer's many tails of embarassing things that happened to him, I though I would add some of mine.


It was 1988, and I was in my first year of York University. I had met this fantastic girl called Trash. Sadly, she was going out with someone else. However, I thought I could do something about this.

It turned out that during the holidays she was living in Sutton Coldfield. I lived in Ashby de-la Zouch. The two places are only 25 miles apart, and near to Birmingham. I had a motorbike and a plan!

I would ride over to Sutton Coldfield one Saturday and we would go out to Edwards No. 8 (rock nightclub in Birmingham).

Who knows what would happen? So, being a cautious soul I stuffed a couple of condoms in my wallet and set off for Sutton Coldfield.

Now, I'm not the most 'together' person on the planet, and my thoughts were a little distracted too. I went to a local petrol station and bought £3.01 of petrol, paying cash. I vaguely noticed that sitting near the woman I paid the money to was a guy I really hadn't got on with during my school years. Never mind - that was all in the past now, and I might be getting a shag tonight!

When I arrived at Trash's after a very enjoyable thrash down the A453 I realised I hadn't brought a spare helmet. Duh! Never mind, I would blast back to Ashby and get it - 50 miles would only take 50 minutes.

As I pulled back into Ashby I noticed a police car off to my left in a side road. I slowed down for this. It then pulled out and followed me. Then started to flash its blue lights at me. Erk! I pulled over and stopped.

A young policewoman, hardly older than me, got out and started to quiz me about my petrol buying habits. I wasn't really sure what this was all about. Another police car appeared, with a much older sergeant-looking policeman.

It transpired that the woman at the petrol station had called them, saying I had ridden off without paying for the petrol. My theory has always been that the guy from my school days was her boyfriend and got her to do this. Aaaarrrgghh. This is pre-closed circuit TV in all petrol stations, so I was doomed.

I was asked for my driving licence, so I pulled my wallet out and flipped it open.

A condom flew out, through the air and landed between the feet of the young female policewoman. She looked at me like I was the lowest, slimiest turd she had ever seen in her life! I looked at her. Everything went silent for a few seconds. I tentatively reached down and retrieved it.

The older bloke loved it. A huge grin spread across his face. "Feeling lucky tonight, are we, sir?"

I ended up paying for the petrol twice. I did have a fun night at Edwards No. 8 with Trash. I didn't get a shag :-( To be honest, I didn't try very hard. I couldn't quite read the mood properly and tell how interested Trash was.

Of course, I've just spoken to Trash now and she tells me she was disappointed I didn't make a move. She would have snogged my face off (apparently) but wouldn't have shagged me.

Still, things worked out all right in the end...

Comments

[steer.livejournal.com]

Hooray. I'm glad it's not just me who's doing LJ therapy by admitting to their failures and humiliations in writing and in public. That's really very good.

(And I had no idea there was a Ladytron mix of Until the end of the World - I must find it - I lurve Ladytron).

[everild.livejournal.com]

enjoyed steer's many tails

Yes, I enjoy Steer's many tails too. They're so nice and furry.

I also have a condom embarassment story: when I turned up to the first night of Whitby Gothic weekend 3 in 1996 I was already completed bladdered on Jack Daniels. This was back in the days when you just had to show your ticket to get in (no fancy wrist bands). I was single at the time and had some condoms in my bag as well as the tickets for me and my friend Alexandra. Although we were staying in a B&B just above the Spa I somehow managed to lose the tickets between the two places and when we arrived they were no-where to be found, despite much manic sorting through bags. I really don't remember much about it, but have a crystal clear memory of the moment when I pulled something from my bag and brandished it at the security man, only to hear Alex in the background saying 'No, that's a condom. Put it away'. The poor bloke may have assumed that I was going to offer him protected sex in return for getting us in - but actually, in my inebriated state I probably thought it was a ticket... Fortunately even though I was completely pissed I somehow managed to remember the numbers of our tickets precisely and some nice goth chap turned up with a list, confirmed that tickets of those numbers had been bought in my name, and we got in anyway. Phew. Needless to say, this was the only action which the condom saw over that weekend.

[childeric.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I have some condom stories, but they're maybe a bit further towards the horrible-and-no-one-will-want-talk-to-me-again rather than the amusing, so I'm not going to tell them. Although they might instill a salutary lesson in the folly of exploiting the elasticity of condoms to flick them away in an excess of post-orgasmic enthusiasm...

[steer.livejournal.com]

(laugh) No, go on - you must tell these stories. After all, we won't think any less of you (take that how you will).

Vince and Katherine have shared and I've already made my bid for personal humiliation - it's your turn.

[everild.livejournal.com]

Although they might instill a salutary lesson in the folly of exploiting the elasticity of condoms to flick them away in an excess of post-orgasmic enthusiasm...

I think that's given us as much information as we need really...

Btw, lovely icon - very Theda Bara!

rubbery nostalgia

[resyk.livejournal.com]

I have so many jonty stories it would take me some days to relate them all, and some are a little too gross - but i'll throw in a couple anyway..

Late teens, living in a bedsit which happily was in the house next door to my parents. Vaguely single at the time. My mother was working for the HIV/AIDS treatment dept of the NHS in Leeds, and being a lefty progressive parent she became concerned that myself and my mates might be having risky sex. So, as she was often laden with large industrial boxes of condoms for the many health clinics she visited, one day she handed me a carrier bag full of assorted jonties. Great I thought, no more tissues (I *was* single after all).

So, I put all of these in a large box inside my door, and my mates quickly cottoned on and it became quite the norm that upon leaving my place (often hammered) a handful of condoms would be grabbed and stuffed into pockets.

Some weeks passed, and completely against the run of play I managed to pull this bird down fibbers. She had all the right bits, a pulse and could communicate verbally so I figured this met my stringent 'post 6 pints of cider' criteria so I coerced her back to the bedsit. Things went well. 'The Cure' were playing, showing my sesnsive side, I had turned the heating onto max, so her jacket soon came off (the only time this ever worked, and i tried it a few times - i am now immune to heat)..

Things went from flacid to defcon 1, so I did an elegant backflip over to the box of goodies to find - totally empty. Fucking sponging friends. I giggled nervously at my semi-nude guest and - a dressing gown later I was out the back gate and round to my parents house for supplies.

They were out, but not wishing to get caught I didn't hang around, grabbed what I needed and headed back.

You can imagine the girls face, peeping over a duvet, as I returned with a 500 pack box of condoms still sealed in plastic - she looked very concerned indeed. That was nothing to her reaction, and mine, upon us both realising that this was a box of "durex 'gaytimes trojan', the extra thick condom for a safer anal sex experience", the picture of two gentlemen sensitively spooning on the sides of the pack positively screamed.

I got precisely no action that night, she left shortly after.


---

The other story, one i have told a few folk before - is much shorter. In my teens, my mates and I would often carry a hopeful jonty around with us, but more often than not they ended up used for more err.. manual purposes as we didn't get lucky often enough and these things have a 'use By Date' after all. Anyhoo, one day my mate gave me some 'special' condoms he had brought back from a family holiday in spain. I didn't understand the lingo, but I recognised the phrase 'spanish fly', and thought this was some kind of aphrodisiac so sure enough I stowed one in my wallet. It saved me the 18 packs of toothpaste it normally took me to get them from the local chemist.

Some days later, having gotten home and being alone - I fished it out and made merry for quite some time, as one does. I noticed after a while that I was unusually err.. proud, and that there were other sensations going on such as an odd prickly feeling. Being somewhat distracted I gave up and tried to sleep but soon found that lying on my stomach was impossible and that on my back I resembled a small marquee. I had an awful night. I have no idea what exactly had been on those condoms, but that hard-on stayed with me for 24 hours, absolutely full on, I could have ploughed a field with it or put up shelving. Man was I sore. I carried my jacket in front of me, and then at other times a book. My skintight rock jeans were out of the question so it was jogging pants instead. I got so worried I nearly went to the doctor, but was too embarrassed.

Eventually things subsided but it was a nasty fright I can tell you.

Re: rubbery nostalgia

[steer.livejournal.com]

Laugh. Brilliant. I love it. Encore Encore. (Well, maybe not). Great stories.

Re: rubbery nostalgia

[everild.livejournal.com]

being a lefty progressive parent

I really must meet your mother one of these days - she sounds great!

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